So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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