girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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