My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
