I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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