my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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