Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
