Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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