I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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