I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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