She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Watching her eat just hurts me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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