She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
