her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
