Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
