I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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