I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
