I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
