for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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