I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
