found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We named our party play list daddy issues
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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