Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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