I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
