I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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