I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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