omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
