At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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