I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
