Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
