Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
God, I missed his penis.
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