I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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