Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize