Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
