no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
