Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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