the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
