So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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