apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
