she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
