I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize