Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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