Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
