she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
