I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
