Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Found your dick twin last night
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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