I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
