dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
