Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
