I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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