I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
