If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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