hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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