No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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