Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
