Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
