I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
