Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
