she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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