Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize