Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
