Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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