i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
