i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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